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manny
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# Posted: 10 Nov 2017 10:54
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 23 Nov 2017 12:08
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 9 Nov 2018 17:55
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MAD look at Hunting
1109180720.jpg
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rockies
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# Posted: 9 Nov 2018 20:08
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Not really a joke, but....
Sometimes I think all my problems could be solved if a giant sack containing 10 million dollars just fell into my lap, killing me instantly.
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hattie
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# Posted: 27 Dec 2018 16:34
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It's almost 2019, I am a year older and I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I haven’t found out who let the dogs out...where’s the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails...what does the fox say... why “abbreviated†is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to “put your two cents in†but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts†where’s that extra penny going, why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? and where is Waldo?... Can you hear me now?...and do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother’s girlfriend’s uncle’s cousin who lived next door to an old class mate’s mailman...Now it is your turn to take it from me... Copy and Paste, and enjoy your day.
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rockies
Member
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# Posted: 27 Dec 2018 21:40
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You know that look a woman gets on her face when she really really really wants to make love?
Yea, me neither.
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 26 Apr 2019 00:28
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I love Ikea....
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Nobadays
Member
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# Posted: 26 Apr 2019 00:39
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Just was wondering if there was a "Just for fun topic" on the forum!
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hattie
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# Posted: 18 Jan 2020 16:25
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funereal was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 6 Aug 2020 18:33
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.†The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?†The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.â€
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.â€
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Nobadays
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# Posted: 6 Aug 2020 19:36 - Edited by: Nobadays
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Nice! 
A brewery worker fell in a vat of beer and drowned. His co-worker was called upon to inform his widow. Upon telling the widow of his death she said, "I hope he went quickly. " To that the co-worker replied, "I'm afraid he didn't.... he got three time to pee before he drowned. "
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Bruces
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# Posted: 6 Aug 2020 21:47
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I am fairly new here and just read through all the posts ,I can help you with one thing on your list for sure .
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Bruces
Member
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# Posted: 7 Aug 2020 12:52
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Sorry ,that turned into an epic fail ^^ ,Anyways it was in response to Hattie’s post above ,not sure why it turned out so crappy but the roadsign is for Sesame Street ,yes I can tell you how to get there as I have literally been there myself .
Enjoy your day !
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paulz
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# Posted: 30 Nov 2021 11:27 - Edited by: paulz
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A Mad look at DIY
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ICC
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# Posted: 30 Dec 2021 12:14
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.....
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ICC
Member
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# Posted: 13 Jan 2022 12:12
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visual joke
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DaveBell
Moderator
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# Posted: 13 Jan 2022 13:37
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In West Texas there was a small oil company that had a blow out of a well head. The fire raged for days. They were loosing a million dollars a day. They didn't have enough money to hire the pro's with bulldozers, dynamite, and experienced crews. So they hired a small outfit at a very low rate. The next day, they were supposed to show up in the morning. The oil company foreman watched the road for hours for the small company to show up. All of a sudden he sees a dust cloud coming across the desert. Here comes one 18 foot stake bed truck with 40 men holding burlap bags. The truck ran right up to the well and crashed into it. All the men jumped out and started beating the fire with the burlap bags. After 30 minutes they had the fire out. The oil company foreman handed them a check and said, "what's the first thing you are going to do with all this money?" The man responded, "I think we better fix the brakes on the truck."
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darz5150
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# Posted: 26 Jan 2022 23:16
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Reality check.🤯
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 27 Jan 2022 00:40
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Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environmental Canada Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting a crapload of firewood."
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 15 Apr 2022 17:18
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Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
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paulz
Member
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# Posted: 30 Jul 2022 18:39
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HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
(Actual writings from hospital charts)
1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Nobadays
Member
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# Posted: 14 May 2023 01:19
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This seemed appropriate!
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 24 May 2023 21:01
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Sorry for the length of this one but it is so worth the read:
STORY:
The State of Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife sent a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.
The property owners’ response in the second letter is EPIC.
Original Letter from Oregon Dept. of Fish & Wildlife:
Dear Landowner:
ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help
contribute to the conservation of this important species.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.
If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.
Sincerely,
Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist
*RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:*
Dear Mr. Niemela:
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).
You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle). You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life
prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).
Survey units open between 8 am. and 3 pm. but you cannot commence survey until 9 am. and must cease all survey activity by 1 pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18-ft handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wood.
After 1 pm. you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status".
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys and You" comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.
This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely,
LANDOWNERS.
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darz5150
Member
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# Posted: 24 May 2023 23:44
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Good One Hattie. ðŸ˜ðŸ˜„😫
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