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Erins#1Mom
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# Posted: 11 May 2011 19:48
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During recent weeks and months, I have had great encouragement from members of the small cabin forum. My drug addicted daughter has been sucking my husband and myself dry (outpt drug rehab/had arrested for signing my name to checks/legal fees/now probation violation and most recent shoplifting under $500.00). Hubby cashed in some of his retirement to pay off bills (my used fourrunner and a credit card) but it has all been consumed by bills from our daughter. I have app. $1000.00 saved for cabin project but have yet to buy a single item. Friend drew up plan for 16 x 20 at cost of $2500.00 to get under roof with unfinished interior.
Should I give up and just get back to life as I know it? Work on my full time old house that needs lots of work or squirrel away the few dollars I have saved for my dream. I have prayed long and hard
When will I know?
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Borrego
Member
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# Posted: 11 May 2011 22:28
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I'll be blunt -
(having had 2 boys and been through similar things)
Dump the daughter, do the cabin.
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 02:38
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When we had some troubles with son, we sold the house and moved out on him. We were only enabling him by staying in the same cycle we were in. We helped him out for a year with a predetermined set amount of money to get his feet under him and then the purse strings were severed. He has grown into a wonderful, successful man and we are very proud of him. I think things would have been different if we had stayed and given up on OUR dreams of cabin living.
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naturelover66
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 08:20
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As a parent of two grown boys i agree with the other forum members.
Dont give up on your dream.
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 09:08 - Edited by: Gary O
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Quoting: Borrego Dump the daughter, do the cabin.
Lawdy, Borrego, those six words are packed with unstated whys.
Erins#1Mom, If you let go of your dream because of any thing or person or place or circumstance, you will come to hate that which deterred you, and you'll just bore your friends, relatives and acquaintances to tears talking about it to your dying day.
Letting go of 'the dream' is failure.
Dreams do not have time lines.
But a dream will eventually wither and die if not lived.
A dream, if steered properly, will help you prioritize and culminate in the garnering of funds and even help foster the development of your physical talents when money is an obstacle.
As you have come to know, financing things is an exercise of the past. Paying interest on a dream turned to reality easily turns into a nightmare.
Immediate acquisition when finanaced is just no fun at all.
Enjoy, savor, each step of the journey.
Get your hands dirty.
It's so darn gratifying you won't believe it.
Buy a few boards and build something, a gazebo, or a deck.
And when your daughter gets in the way, take some of that dirt and smear it on her face, with the hope that she'll one day come to the realization that mind bending medication is not an escape, but a horribly rutted detour.
Quoting: Erins#1Mom I have app. $1000.00 saved for cabin project but have yet to buy a single item. Friend drew up plan for 16 x 20 at cost of $2500.00 to get under roof with unfinished interior.
Our tiny cabin was less than $1400.
BTW, what is an unfinished interior in a cabin?
Quoting: Erins#1Mom When will I know?
You already know the answer
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Borrego
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 12:14
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Quoting: Gary O Lawdy, Borrego, those six words are packed with unstated whys.
You're just way better with words than I, Gary. But I think you kinda said the same thing, just nicer :-)
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turkeyhunter
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 12:26 - Edited by: turkeyhunter
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Quoting: Erins#1Mom I have prayed long and hard When will I know?
Erins #1mom====i will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.So sorry you are STILL dealing with this.
enabling is a bad thing,,,,,,,,
if anyone deserves a place (cabin) to relax it's YOU and your husband. Go ahead with your dream and NEVER look back.
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 12:51
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Quoting: Borrego But I think you kinda said the same thing
Oh yeah.
We are one on this, Pard.
Only dif is, I'm more of a spewer, and you're more of a doer......but if I had only six words to use, yours w/be the ones.....
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Borrego
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 21:06
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Quoting: Gary O Oh yeah. We are one on this, Pard. Only dif is, I'm more of a spewer, and you're more of a doer......but if I had only six words to use, yours w/be the ones.....
Right on, Bro! I'd like to meet up with ya someday, we be 2 bruthas from a different mutha!
And Erin's #1mom - we are obviously all with you and also all of the same mind, so you got the answer you were asking for - now just do it! And keep asking for help, this forum seems full of magic people :-)
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bobrok
Member
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# Posted: 12 May 2011 22:01
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Quoting: Erins#1Mom Should I give up and just get back to life as I know it? Work on my full time old house that needs lots of work or squirrel away the few dollars I have saved for my dream. I have prayed long and hard When will I know?
Don't ever give up on your dreams, but, also, don't ever give up on your faith.
Build your cabin. Bring your daughter there. Show her how beautiful life is.
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smitty
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 03:48
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Nobody asked how old the daughter was..
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rayyy
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 04:46
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I have pondered this same question and come to the conclusion that if you don't go for it,you will always regret it.Picture yourself at 90 years old,what are you gonna think to yourself?I want to have the satisfaction of knowing I did it!The kid,well,,,You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.It's not your fault,it's hers.
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bushbunkie
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 07:12
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At 90 years of age, you should look back at your life and your last words will be:
"Been there...done that...loved some...liked some...what was I thinking about a couple of 'em?...but glad I tried.
No regrets...good to go.
Erins#1mom...I agree with GaryO and the gang...even buying a board at a time keeps the dream alive...I spent three years pricing and repricing wood at Home Depot everytime I changed my cabin idea...knowing that at some point the funds would look after themselves with a few good decisions and a little sacrifice...we're not rich folks by any stretch....It was all part of the dream.
And as folks have mentioned...perhaps the best thing you can do for your daughter...is look after yourself.
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 09:37
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I told the wife I would not respond, because I'm compelled to be a bit direct, but Cabi and I know exactly what you're goin' thru.
So, #1Mom, here's my opine in regard to your daughter:
The very real, big fear, is that something horrible will happen to them.....and that's quite real.
But, the other reality is the hard cold fact that you can no longer clean 'em up, feed 'em, and tuck them in bed with a 'sleep tight', and all will be well in the morning.....
'Enabler' is such a mild word.
Aiding and abetting would be more pointed and direct.
Yeah, hearts get touched when offspring make a false step.
But, unless you enjoy lifting your child's arse up for the rest of her, or worse, your life, you've really got to let go now.
Their mental muscles will never grow, and will even atrophy if you continue to mitigate, extenuate, exculpate, and palliate.
Yeah, you're doin' all that.
Consequence of action is the best counselor.
A bit of disinterest usually turns their heads.
Their customary first action is a tirade of abusive language, directed at everything you stand for, and aaaaaaall your faults, ending with how you just don't care.....
Don't get sucked in to that trap or tactic!
And if you feel the need for a tirade of your own..... let 'er rip!
It feels really really good.
But, when the venting is over, do not apologize.
If you can get her to go with you, as bob says, take her out to the refuge.
I wanna say, drag her scanky behind down to the creek and play-like drown the little ingrate, mud and all, but that'd probably be a tad harsh... then again.........actions like that immediately remove the (obvious) walls you have both erected between each other, culminating in both of you physically spent, gasping for air, laughing at each other and life.......could be a jump re-start to something good, missteps along the way........
Lawdy, ain't life a pip!
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CabinBuilder
Admin
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 11:16 - Edited by: CabinBuilder
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Quoting: bushbunkie At 90 years of age, you should look back at your life and your last words will be: "Been there...done that...loved some...liked some...what was I thinking about a couple of 'em?...but glad I tried.
Ditto!
I think it's a parent's responsibility to guide and help your child until they're grown and able make their own decisions... but you cannot do it forever - there is a limit. You are a human being too.
Quoting: hattie We helped him out for a year with a predetermined set amount of money to get his feet under him and then ...
I would do the same.
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Erins#1Mom
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 18:37
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I thank you all for your support.... It means the world; this is my AA/NA. Last night I locked her out of the house. "sleep in the car". Today, she called my work asking for money:always needing and has a good excuse. I screamed "NO".
My friend and co-worker asked if I was seeing anyone for the stress. I stated No. He feels I need psych help but I just need to distance myself and a little wine doesn't hurt.
Tomorrow, I will buy something: tile, window, light. I will look at it everyday and this along with your suport and my faith in the good Lord above with hopefully get me through.
I LOVE each of you and wish ya'll the very best. God bless
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turkeyhunter
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 18:59
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Quoting: Erins#1Mom Tomorrow, I will buy something: tile, window, light. I will look at it everyday and this along with your suport and my faith in the good Lord above with hopefully get me through.
Good for YOU!!!!! you are making the 1st step in the right direction. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 20:20
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HOOOOOAAAH!
Think you had support before???!!
Now you got a multitude, every step of the way!
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naturelover66
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 20:30
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I am so sorry for your stress and pain........ please know i am thinking of you....
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hattie
Member
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# Posted: 13 May 2011 21:52 - Edited by: hattie
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Quoting: Erins#1Mom Last night I locked her out of the house. "sleep in the car". Today, she called my work asking for money:always needing and has a good excuse. I screamed "NO".
Good for you!! I know how terrifying this is. There are no guarantees how things will work out, but you are doing the right thing. You are no longer enabling. You are letting your daughter take responsibility for her life now and everyone deserves to be able to take responsibility for their life. That is a big step for both of you and regardless what happens, it is the right step to take.
My favourite expression is - "there are two special gifts we can give our children. One is roots the other is wings." You are giving your daughter her wings and now all you can do is pray and hope she flies in the right direction.
Best of luck.. We're all praying for you.
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smitty
Member
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# Posted: 14 May 2011 00:18
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Still nobody asked if this girl was of age or not? Am I the only one who see this as important?
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Gary O
Member
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# Posted: 14 May 2011 01:29
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Quoting: smitty Still nobody asked if this girl was of age or not? Am I the only one who see this as important?
So you can be at ease, smitty, I believe she's of age
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smitty
Member
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# Posted: 14 May 2011 01:38
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Yes that does make it better. The advice above would apply. If she is not of age, and is still a minor. Plans are on hold. Family first..
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Erins#1Mom
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# Posted: 14 May 2011 11:03
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smitty,
22 next month.....
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squirrel
Member
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# Posted: 14 May 2011 14:07
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Erins#1Mom my thoughts and prayers are with you i can't say I know what you are going through but i have seen alot of people try to help and it do no good I think a person has to fall hard and get up on their own to be able to stand on their own 2 feet if you are there to catch them they'll never feel the pride of doing it on their own. My son told me that at 18 when i was trying to help him that somethings are best learned the hard way with moms help I can only say God be with you but you need to go with your dream
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